Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'

'No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.

'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

'The Pope,' his boss replies.

'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**ks that on the balcony with Dave?'

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"